


You're All I Want

by sir_kingsley



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Break Up, Christmas, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Roommates, but not really, just a little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 03:17:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5523380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sir_kingsley/pseuds/sir_kingsley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Last Christmas had almost been perfect. No, they didn't kiss under the mistletoe or whisper how much they loved each other as they exchanged gifts but they were at least together. But now Cas is gone and Dean isn't feeling the Christmas spirt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're All I Want

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KhaleesiCas (rochelle_tfw)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rochelle_tfw/gifts).



> So this was actually supposed to be a birthday gift for Rochelle, but life happened and I'm an unorganized asshole so... We'll make it a Christmas present instead? Merry Christmas, Rochelle! I hope it's angsty enough for you!

Roaring fire, bunches of mistletoe hanging in every doorway, scents of cinnamon and butter sweetly staining the air, white lights twinkling through the thick green branches of the tree, a smiling angel with white wings perched at the very top.

Dean ripped his eyes away from it, staring into the fire. He was so close to it he could practically feel the flames licking up his calves under his jeans and there was a layer of sweat shining on his forehead. Still, he refused to move. He didn’t want to be even one inch closer to the rest of his family as they laughed and screamed throughout his parents’ house in their ugly reindeer sweaters and Santa Clause hats.

He didn’t want to be reminded of what day it was, which was pretty damn difficult when his mother was in charge of decorating. 

So he sat alone, trying not to remember how last Christmas he’d had a constant warmth at his side, a smooth hand that slipped into his under the table during dinner, bright eyes that held the muffled laughs that couldn’t be voiced when his drunk Uncle Jeremy said something stupid, chapped lips that swept over his whenever they found a moment alone in a dark corner.

That had been a nearly perfect Christmas.

_Why won’t you tell your family about us?_

Dean had turned in their kitchen the next morning, caught off guard by the question he wasn’t prepared to answer yet.

_They’re not ready, Cas. They wouldn’t understand._

Cas had just nodded his head and stolen Dean’s mug of coffee with a brief kiss on the chin. 

They didn’t talk about it again, not even at New Years Eve when they had to wait six minutes after midnight until they could both sneak off privately to meet in Dean’s grandparents’ broom closet to share their first kiss of the year. 

Then for Dean’s birthday he had begged Cas to come to dinner with him and his parents.

_I don’t know, Dean. Don’t you think it’ll seem weird?_

_Why would it?_

_They think I’m just your roommate. Roommates don’t come to family birthday dinners._

_Come on, Cas, I want you to be there._

Cas had eventually relented and Dean’s parents’ surprise when they saw both boys show up at the restaurant had been obvious enough to make Cas tense. But they eventually relaxed into friendly conversation after a few appetizers and a bottle of wine and Cas and Dean’s fingers intertwined under the table until his mother piped up.

_So, Dean, are you seeing anyone?_

Cas’s hand went limp in his and Dean just tightened his grip, rubbing an apology across Cas’s knuckles with his thumb.

_Uh, no, Mom, I’m not. Not right now._

John Winchester leaned forward with a knowing smile. _Oh, come on, Dean, I’m sure you’ve got one or two pretty girls around._

_No, I’m just focusing on my studies right now._

_Well, that’s good, his mother praised. You have plenty of time to find someone special._

Dean made sure to show Cas that he had already found someone special the second they got home. 

They had spent Easter with Cas’s family, which was far different from Dean’s. They were ultra religious but supportive of Cas and the second he introduced Dean as his boyfriend it had been a two-hour onslaught of hugs, pats on the cheek, and teasing winks from Cas’s platoon of brothers. They held hands on top of the table during dinner.

Then Dean dragged Cas to his family’s 4th of July barbecue. No one acted surprised this time when they saw Cas with Dean and Mary smothered both of them with affection. Dean’s aunts, uncles, and cousins began to arrive and eventually Dean found himself in the middle of a football game. Mary took Cas under her wing in the kitchen and had him slicing apples and rolling dough in no time.

_Wait, did you make a pie?_ Dean asked when the game was over and he came into the kitchen to see Cas pulling something from the oven.

_He’s a natural,_ Mary said. _It looks great, Castiel._

_Thank you, Mrs. Winchester._

Dean smiled at him. _It’s looks amazing, Cas,_ he agreed.

Cas turned away from him before he blushed.

_Yeah, well, he might as well know Mom’s baking secrets if he’s stuck being your roommate for another year,_ Sam teased from across the room. _God knows you can’t cook worth shit._

_Sam,_ Mary scolded. _Language._

_Look, bitch, I can cook just fine._

_Dean!_

_You set the kitchen on fire last time-_

_It was just a towel!_

John Winchester had laughed at his sons’ bickering. _Sam’s got a point, Dean. You’ll be going off on your own soon. That’s why you need to find a girlfriend who can take care of you._

Dean wasn’t even able to point out how sexist that comment was because Cas was sneaking out of the room and Dean’s stomach bottomed out. 

Cas didn’t cry when they got home but Dean could tell he was ready to. 

_Cas-_

_It’s fine, Dean. Don’t._

_No, it’s not. I’m so sorry. I hate it when they say that kind of shit._

_Then why won’t you tell them?_

Dean had shrugged. _I just- I’m scared, Cas. I don’t know how they’re going to react._

_You think it was easy for me to come out to my family? Did you see how many crosses my parents had in their house?_

_I know, Cas. I know. I’m going to tell them. I swear._

_Dean, I’m serious. I’m tired of being called your “roommate.” We’ve been dating for almost a year. I… If-if you aren’t ready for this kind of relationship maybe…_

_Cas?_

_Maybe we should take a-_

_No!_ Dean had practically flown across the room, one hand clutching Cas’s and the other cupping the blue-eyed man’s jaw. _I want this. You’re all I want._

_Are you sure?_

_More than anything. I’ll tell them. I promise._

They went months without a hitch. The school year began and they fell back into their daily routine, waking up in Dean’s bed, Cas making breakfast before class. They would return to their apartment in the evening and Cas would make dinner or Dean would attempt and they always ended the day cuddling on the couch. It was the kind of domestic bliss Dean had dreamed of. 

It was perfect. 

Then one day they were fooling around on the couch, Cas straddling Dean’s lap, clothes discarded all around the living room and hips rocking together, the only sounds the squeak of the couch and the little punched out groans and whimpers trembling from their lips. 

Until there was a knock. 

_Dean?_ Mary Winchester’s voice called through the door. _Are you home, sweetie?_

Dean had sat up so fast Cas nearly fell off the couch.

_Is that your mom?_

_Yeah!_

_Why is your mom here?_

_Dean?_ Mary called again.

_Y-yeah, Mom, one sec!_ Dean yelled as he scrambled to his feet and grabbed his pants. _I don’t know,_ he whispered to Cas and his eyes widened further as he took in his boyfriend’s messy hair and flushed bare skin. _Oh my god, you have to hide._

_Wait, what?_

Dean pulled his shirt over his head and bent to scoop up Cas’s clothes as Cas straightened. He pushed the load into Cas’s arms and began directing Cas toward his rarely used bedroom. _Cas, I’m so sorry, just give me a few seconds to get rid of h-_

_Wait, Dean, why am I-?_

_I’m so sorry,_ was all Dean said before shutting the door.

Dean took a breath and answered the door, greeting his mother with a kiss and a hug.

Dean stood between his mother and Cas’s bedroom door as Mary chattered on, nervous sweat dripping down his back as he prayed she would need to go soon.

It must have been his lucky day because her phone chimed and she checked it with a scowl. Apparently Sam needed her. She handed Dean the container of soup she had come to deliver and Dean slowly ushered her toward the door.

_You’ll be home for Thanksgiving, right?_

_Yeah, Mom. Of course. I can’t wait._

_Okay. And be sure to invite your roommate. He’s always welcomed to come, too. Bye, sweetie. Love you._

The door closed behind Mary and the apartment was eerily silent, only broken by the shriek of Cas’s door hinges.

_You haven’t told them._

Dean had turned to find Cas’s eyes brimming with tears and he felt his chest tighten. _Cas-_

_You were supposed to tell them months ago, Dean! You promised in July! It’s November!_

_I know, I know. Cas, I tried, I really did but it’s just so hard._

_I know that! I know how hard it is and I have tried to be empathetic. But it’s been over a year and I am tired of being treated like your dirty little secret._

_Cas, man, it’s not like that._

When Dean had tried to approach his boyfriend Cas backed away and that one step felt like a heavy foot on his chest. _Cas, please. You know I love you._

Cas just backed into his room and shut the door. 

The next few weeks had been rough but Dean eventually coaxed Cas into attending Thanksgiving dinner with his family. Cas was quiet the entire drive to Dean’s parents’ house but once inside he was as pleasant ever, though he kept more than a safe distance from Dean. There was no sneaking off for kisses and they didn’t secretly hold hands during dinner. 

_Dean, you still single?_

Dean sighed at the question as everyone at the table turned their eyes on him except for Cas who watched his plate. 

He took a breath. _Actually, no. I, um, I’m seeing someone very special to me._

Cas’s head rose, eyes watching Dean’s face carefully.

_Since when?_

_We’ve been dating for… a while._

_So who is the lucky girl?_

_Well, actually, it’s, ugh, I-I’m dating- i-it’s so-someone you’ll meet at Christmas._

It was like the left side of his face froze over with ice as Cas stared at him. 

_What? Christmas? That’s too far away!_

_I don’t believe it! You’ve been seeing someone this whole time?_

_Cas, do you know who she is?_

Dean’s breath hitched and he didn’t dare look at Cas.

_Yes,_ came Cas’s slow reply. _She’s wonderful. I’m sure you’ll all love her._

That night when they got home Cas went straight for his room without another word and Dean knew there was no fixing this right now. 

Had he known what he would wake to in the morning he would have at least tried.

Cas’s bedroom door was open, bed unmade and dresser drawers hanging out. Empty.

Dean instantly ran to his phone, calling Cas but it went straight to voicemail. Instead of leaving a message, he called again. And again. And again. 

He paced around the apartment as he called, breath hitching every time he heard Cas’s deep voice on the line, _Hello, you’ve reached Castiel Novak…_

Dean eventually gave up, hanging up on Cas’s voicemail greeting for the twentieth time and slamming his phone down on the counter. 

A piece of paper stirred under the force and Dean saw his name written in a familiar scrawl. He flipped it open and choked as the bones in his chest seemed to constrict and grate against one another.

_Dean, good luck finding your special girl._

Dean spent the day raging through Lawrence looking for Cas. It didn’t take long — he and Cas had a pretty small friend group and only one of Cas’s brothers lived in the city. 

Just as Dean had suspected, Gabriel opened his door with a sour smile and confirmed, yes, Cas was with him and, no, Dean could not see him. 

Dean narrowed his eyes at the fire. It had been almost three weeks since he’d seen Cas and Dean had really tried to find him, even skipping lectures to stand outside Cas’s classes and wait for him to come out. But he never did. 

Dean was forced to give up during dead week. He had too much work to do with finals approaching and just couldn’t afford to skip any more classes. 

Cas never answered his calls or texts and no matter how many times he showed up at Gabe’s, Cas never showed his face.

All in all, it was safe to say this was the darkest Christmas Dean had ever had and he had no one to blame but himself.

A hand landed on his shoulder and Dean looked up at his mother.

“You okay, sweetie?” she asked. “You’ve been staring for a long time.”

“I’m fine,” he said unconvincingly. 

“Want to come help me in the kitchen? Before you melt your face off?”

Dean was put in charge of setting the dining room table. He grabbed the placemats and sidestepped a gaggle of his young cousins as they ran past him. 

He was laying out the plates when Mary returned with her signature look of concern. “Honey, are you sure you’re feeling well?”

“Yeah, Mom. I’m fine.”

“You look mad at the world.”

“Just tired.”

“One day you’re gonna learn lying to me is useless.”

Dean ignored her and continued working. 

A few minutes later he had to go back to the kitchen for silverware where his father was sneaking bites of the ham and Sam was yelling at him for it.

“How’s the table coming, Dean?” Mary asked.

“Fine.”

“You okay, Dean?”

“Fine.”

“Dean, what happened to that girlfriend we were supposed to meet?” Sam asked.

Dean blew out a deep breath, feeling a knot twist in his stomach. “We broke up.”

“What?” Mary exclaimed, dropping her oven mitts. “But we never got to meet her!”

Dean just shrugged. “Didn’t work out.”

John clucked sympathetically. “That’s too bad, son. Don’t worry, you’ll find the right one soon enough.”

But he’d already found the right one.

“Hey, where’s your roommate?” John asked. “Haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving.”

Hearing the word “roommate” was like a tick and Dean had to bite his lip to keep from snapping. “Cas.”

“What?”

“His name is Cas.”

“Did he go home this year?” Mary asked.

“I don’t know.”

Sam chuckled. “How do you not know? You live with him.”

“We’re not talking right now,” Dean murmured and tried to leave.

“What? Why?” Mary stepped toward him. “Did something happen?”

“We broke up.”

There was a silent pause.

“What?”

“We broke up!” Dean yelled, throwing the silverware clutched in his hands on the floor. “Cas is not just my roommate, okay? He hasn’t been for over a year! He was my boyfriend who I loved more than anything but we broke up because I hurt him because I refused to tell you guys about us a-and now I don’t… I don’t know w-where he is I-I-“

“Dean, honey,” Mary said in a low voice, stepping toward him slowly. “Dean, calm down.”

“I h-haven’t seen him in th-three w-weeks. H-he won’t answer my calls and I can’t- I can’t- I d-don’t know what t-to do. He h-hates me a-and-”

“Honey, you’re not breathing.”

“I don’t know w-what to d-do anymore-”

“Shh, Dean, sweetie. Breathe.” Mary’s hands pressed to Dean’s cheeks and he took a stuttering breath. “That’s right. Just breathe.”

Dean watched his mother’s eyes as he inhaled and exhaled until he wasn’t shaking anymore. Somewhere in the corner of his eye he saw his father and brother leave the room so it was just the two of them. 

Mary smiled gently as her thumbs swiped under Dean’s eyes, collecting tears. “Now, you and Cas were dating for a year?” Dean nodded. “And you were scared to tell us? Honey, why?”

Dean mustered enough energy to roll his eyes. “Dad and them aren’t exactly the most understanding, Mom.”

“Yes, but they all love you. They would never do anything to hurt you or someone you love.”

“That’s easy to say, Mom. But you don’t know how they’d really react.” Dean took a deep breath through his nose, trying to still the hurricane of emotions raging through his mind. “It doesn’t matter anymore anyway. He left me.”

Mary ran her fingers through his hair. “Oh, honey, I’m sure you two can work it out if you just go talk to him.”

Dean caught sight of the apple pie on the counter, images of Cas’s broken face during the 4th of July flashing through his mind, the way Cas had disappeared for a good twenty minutes before Dean found him sitting by himself on the front porch. 

_I understand why you’re scared. But… it’s silly but sometimes I feel like it’s me. Like you’re ashamed of me._

Cas’s words were like a chokehold around Dean’s throat because they couldn’t have been more untrue. Dean couldn’t be ashamed of Cas because he felt blessed for every moment he got to share with the man. Waking up to those blue eyes every morning was like a daily confirmation of the celestial beings at work because only the sovereigns of heaven could create someone as inhumanly perfect as Castiel. 

Why they had chosen to gift him to Dean, he would never know.

“Dean?”

Dean met his mother’s eyes. She was frowning again, but there was still a spark of hope in her eyes for her eldest son.

Dean managed a weak smile and pulled out of his mother’s touch. “It’s okay, Mom. He was always too good for me anyway.”

“Oh, Dean-”

Dean swept into the front room, ignoring the blown eyes and hanging jaws of his family as he grabbed his coat and keys and stepped into the cold. 

He didn’t drive with a specific destination in mind but wasn’t surprised or disappointed when he parked in front of his and Cas’s apartment.

Dean climbed the steps slowly, legs feeling heavy and damp snow clinging to the soles of his boots. He unlocked the door with numb fingers and pushed his way inside, not bothering with the light.

He was halfway to his room when a shadow startled him and he began reaching for the nearest thing he could throw.

“Dean?”

“Cas?”

A light turned on and Dean saw Cas sitting on the couch. His hair was messy on one side and his eyes were unfocused as though he had been sleeping. 

Dean couldn’t breathe for a moment. This was the first time he’d seen Cas in weeks and he was just a few feet away rubbing at his eyes like a grumpy child. 

“I…” Cas began when he could see and was awake enough to fully comprehend the situation. “I didn’t think you’d be here.”

“I was- I was at my parents’,” Dean explained. “But I… decided to leave. Early.”

Cas nodded solemnly. “How were they?”

“Fine. They were… fine. W-why are you here?”

Cas’s head tilted down so he was gazing into his own lap. “I… I wanted to be home for Christmas.”

Dean inhaled shakily. “Cas-”

“I should go.”

Dean pounced, catching Cas as he tried to stand and forcing him back onto the couch. Cas’s eyes were blown wide and Dean kept a firm grip on his waist as he crouched between Cas’s knees, determined with every fiber of his being to keep Cas in place. To keep Cas near him. Just to keep Cas period.

“Don’t go,” he said, fully aware that he was begging. “Please. Don’t go.”

“Dean-”

“No, Cas, I know. I know what I put you through was shitty and god knows I don’t deserve you but I can’t lose you. I… I just can’t. Just these last three weeks have been hell. I can’t do one more day without you or I’m going to lose my mind.” He lowered his head to Cas’s lap and could feel as his tears trailed down his cheeks to soak into Cas’s jeans. “Please don’t leave me. God, please just stay. Stay with me.”

After a moment he felt gentle fingers dancing through his hair as Cas’s other hand rested on the back of his neck. Cas didn’t say anything and Dean spent another few minutes crying because just this simple contact felt like it was healing his soul.

Dean began to calm down and Cas continued petting him without a word. Dean’s fingers eventually began rubbing circles into Cas’s hips.

“I told my parents.”

He heard Cas suck in a breath. “Dean-”

“Well, actually, I yelled it at them. My whole family heard.”

“W-what did they say?”

“I don’t know. I really only got to talk to my mom. She seemed fine. Supportive even.”

“That’s great, Dean. I’m happy for you.”

There was a hint of removal in Cas’s voice and it pulled Dean’s head up. “…but?”

Cas’s gentle smile faltered and his head tilted in confusion. “But what?”

“You’re still leaving,” Dean breathed, adjusting his weight until he was sitting on the floor. “You’re still leaving me.”

“What? Dean, no.” Cas slid down to the floor in front of Dean, his hands rising to cup Dean’s face. His thumbs brushed over Dean’s cheekbones and Dean couldn’t help but meet his blue eyes that seemed to smile at him. “I’m not leaving you, Dean. I could never. I knew even as I was packing my bag that I would be back here.”

“But that note you left-”

“I was just mad. It’s one thing for your family to not know about me but to hear them continuously tell you to find a woman… I was hurt. I’m sorry for what I wrote.”

“Don’t apologize,” Dean said. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

Cas slid his hand further along the side of Dean’s face. “Either way, I’d like to come back… if you’ll still have me.”

A snort of laugher forced a smile out of Dean. Cas’s answering laugh quieted as Dean fisted his hands in Cas’s shirt and tugged him closer. “As if you even have to ask.”

Cas leaned forward easily to meet Dean’s lips and the gentle touch was like the final drop of water that made Dean overflow. His arms snapped like shackles around Cas’s waist, pulling him so they close they almost toppled over. 

Cas tasted like cinnamon and chamomile, a flavor Dean would always recognize from countless late kisses after Cas’s nightly tea. 

Arms circled around Dean’s head, locking him in place. It was a simple act of possession but it sent shivers down Dean’s spine. 

He began to stand, bringing Cas with him. Dean scooped him up and Cas’s legs wrapped around his hips, their lips never parting for a second.

He carried Cas to their bedroom and lowered him to the mattress. Cas was smiling as he relaxed against the blue comforter, legs spreading in a silent invitation for Dean. 

It was a slow process of removing clothing interrupted by kisses and nibbles. The room became loud with Cas’s whimpers and moans as Dean opened him with his fingers. 

When he finally eased his way into Cas it was gentle and he answered each of Cas’s hitched breaths with a kiss along his jaw. 

They moved slowly, taking time to revel in the feelings of hot skin, trembling fingertips, and wet lips. 

Cas held Dean close as they came, arms and legs wrapped around the man and whispers between them that he’d never let him go again.

They settled with Dean’s head on Cas’s chest, enjoying the way it rose and fell as they both tried to regain their breath. Cas’s fingers were sifting through his hair absently, his other hand pressed firmly to Dean’s left arm so hot it could scar him.

Dean felt a peace he hadn’t known in years. Because he had Cas — he had Cas back. And his parents knew. The people who mattered most knew Cas was his and his mind began to conjure images of future holidays with his family when he would be able to hold Cas’s hand over the table, kiss him under the mistletoe, and voice how much he loved the blue-eyed man.

His grip tightened around the man he loved just thinking about it.

“Dean?” Cas asked, a hint of worry in his tone.

“Sorry Cas. Just thinking about next Christmas.”

“Next Christmas?”

“Yeah. I’m probably going to hold you hostage under the mistletoe for an hour.”

Dean heard Cas’s laughter rumble in his chest. “A whole hour, hmm?”

“I have a lot of time to make up for.”

“Oh, that reminds me. I still have your present-” Cas began to sit up and Dean threw all his weight on him.

Cas laughed again, head rolling on the pillows as Dean pinned him. “Not now,” he said, nestling his face into Cas’s neck. “Later.”

Cas sighed but his arms circled Dean again. “Okay. Later.”

Dean could feel sleep creeping up on him and he closed his eyes, inhaling Cas’s scent with every breath. 

“Merry Christmas, Cas,” he murmured.

Cas pressed an answering kiss to his hair. “Merry Christmas, Dean.”


End file.
